Personal Essays

By Any Means —

Three drags from an Uber driver’s cigarette bolstered my facade of calm. I swallowed the acidic taste in the back of my throat and stepped through the entrance for my first glimpse into Richard’s apartment. It was bigger than anything I’d ever seen in New York, with a spacious terrace featuring panoramic views of Central Park and the frosty Upper East Side. Black and white tiles gave the floor a sense of antiquity. I noticed a thin layer of dust covering everything and thought, Couldn’t he affor

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"Fighting against yourself is a battle you will wind up losing even if you manage to win. Berating myself had been the most effective - the only - method I'd ever employed in seeking personal advancement. But much like the manner in which alcoholics can recall their beloved substance becoming the problem rather than the solution, my saving grace grew to be my most avid tormenter. "Carrot and stick have worked for an amazingly long time," says businessman Peter Drucker. "One does not lightly toss out the tradition of the ages." I could make it work for me again, I reasoned, but first I had to get him back.

If You Can’t Beat Em’…. Run Away

Well, winter is on its way once more, and it’s time for me to face the fact that in spite of previous forecasts, I will be spending another season getting cozy in solidarity. With work and weight loss occupying the front of my mind, I find myself sitting surprisingly well with this fact. Furthermore, I am at an uncharacteristic loss to define what I would even take from a relationship. It seems I’m either aloof and manipulative or prone to codependence stemming from all-consuming lust. Even the

Inner Child Work with Bon Iver

After years of training in strange and minute ways that would later prove unnecessary, the time finally came for me to move to New York. Countless days preceded the occasion, entire summers and winters spent visualizing and yearning for a fuller life, one populated with the sleek objects of wealth I imagined would inevitably come my way in this city, where everything is possible. The dream originated in a period of my life where I was sure of everything, but I greeted its arrival while inhabitin

Life and I Have One Thing in Common: We are Both Cold Mistresses

I have six angry pimples on my forehead. This isn’t your standard hormonal break out. This is a fucking coup against my visage. My skin is revolting, my whole face is spitting at itself. I feel as if I’ve been smote. Let me tell you, there’s nothing more disheartening than trying to do everything right and getting THIS. Every night before bed, I drink senna tea followed by a magnesium pill and glass of water to cleanse. I wash with Cetaphil sensitive formula, tone with Keihl’s calendula, and fo